Curt posted this at the Tinker's Guild Forum and I got a good laugh out of it. If you work on other people's paintball guns you should "get it".

Mr "mynameben"*

This is regarding the paintball gun you sent to me on April 10 to repair. Let me make sure we both understand the terms as I understood them when you called earlier this week.

You said that the on/off switch fell off when you bumped up against a bunker, and wanted me to re-attach it.

It must have been some bump.

Let me first say that it will be difficult to re-attach, since you were evidently not able to recover all of the pieces after it "fell off". Actually I can only assume that, since the pieces I were able to find don't much resemble any of the switches I normally install. May I presume the concrete dust and massive abrasions around the area of the switch are pure coincidence?

It would have been helpful if you had mentioned that your "bump" had also cracked the electronics into 4 pieces, which again I am assuming, since only three of them are evident in the package that you sent. You may be assured I checked the box twice, consulting the manifest you supplied**

Allow me to pause here and ask, as I must confess my curiosity has gotten the better of me, how did you manage to fire through that barrel? I'm quite sure that it did not come from the factory bent in that manner, or that many times, or in fact at all. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you mostly play right-tape. Before I forget; I know that two-piece barrels are all the rage, but may I respectfully suggest that PVC is not a suitable material for aftermaket upgrade.

I am going to to assume that the charred protrusion underneath the gun is the gripframe? I must confess we here at the office shared a chuckle recalling your description of it as a "bench mark" gripframe, when in fact you were referring to the mark it made on your bench when you lit it on fire. I'm not quite sure I know how that happened, but perhaps it had something to do with a slight misunderstanding about the voltage levels of a home anno-job?

When I called you were not home, I was told by your significant other(?) that you were out at your part-time pressure-washing job. This pre-empted a few of the reasons I had called, and does explain the amount of water I found in the regulator. I think you'll find the manufacturer had something slightly different in mind when they advised it be "hosed off" for cleaning. I advise you re-read the owners manual, as I'm sure you often do.

Regarding the air tank, or rather, the chunk that remains attached to the gun. You will please forgive my hesitation in having it hydro-tested for you, as I am fairly confident that they will require the rest of it to properly ensure its fitness. If I may get something off my chest: The fittings you used are from 60,000PSI Mercury Porisimeters, a precise laboratory instrument with which I am sure you are familiar. I again refer you to the owners manual, and insist you re-read it completely. Though I am not familiar with this particular model, I am quite sure this paintball gun is not rated for that pressure.

Perhaps "paintball gun" is being a bit overly charitable. The corrosion on it is quite impressive, and as you must know it does not hold pressure. I did not need to hook it up to an air source to verify this, blowing into one end confirmed my suspicion.

I had assumed that the water in the solenoids and main dump chamber were due to the same aforementioned mis-application of available resources, but upon further inpection I found it to be.. salt water?

I had assumed that the 50-foot length of chain you had welded to the back was some kind of ornament, after all I've seen worse, but apparantly I need to give you another tip- No matter how well the fish are biting, if you don't have an anchor handy, a paintball gun is probobly not the best choice, perhaps strapping together all of your empty beer cans would have been more appropriate.

I am assured that the radiation is within resaonble tolerances. This comes with substantial authority, fear not, as the federal agents who delivered your package were quite knowledgable, and had even brought along a complimentary pamphlet detailing postal shipping codes. Please understand that while it is normally my policy to pay for incedentals, I will be billing you for the radiation badges. But I digress. The salient point is that as well-meaning as your uncle no doubt was, strontium-90 is not a good lubricant.

Which brings me to another tidbit regarding the construction of your gun. I believe I have tracked down your bolt problem. It is apparantly cast pewter, and has been press-fit into the breech. I understand that most brilliant ideas are misunderstood at first, however I feel compelled to re-iterate my opinion that the stock bolt would probobly have worked just as well.

I thank you greatly for including your hopper. Its not often I get a complete gun with which to fully fit-check and test, however I feel something must be said here. I know its not explicitly in any of the online guides or paintball tactics/tips, but using a bucket that large for paint is probobly more trouble than it is worth, especially considering the condition of your gun probobly does not qualify for rapid-fire, and while "more is better" is often a good philosophy, I believe the weedwacker probobly does more harm than good as an paintball agitator.

I shall be returning the gun to you post-haste in the same condition I recieved it, but with a new switch attached to the biggest piece of the electronics I could locate. I ask that when next smashing it against concrete you not curse the name of the last airsmith you sent it to, I think the blame may lie elsewhere for its below-average performance.

-Curt

* Thank you for kindly enclosing your name and return address, though pink crayon on Hardees napkin would not normally be my medium of choice, I was able to make out enough of the zip code through the pie stains to piece together your location.

** While it was thoughtful of you to include a contents list, the single item ("Gun") was not as helpful as you might have intended.